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Max Level Newbie

Max Level Newbie
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “I Am The Very Model of A Modern Major General” by Gilbert and Sullivan

I am the very model of a Warcraft Newbie 70
I’ve never been on raids, but I insist that I would like to be
I know the kings of Azeroth, but what they drop’s a mystery
From Netherstorm to Shadowmoon, no one has ever heard of me
I’m very uninformed about the way to play my character
And if your toon is female, I will prob’ly grin and hit on her
On every pull at the worst time, I will hit tab and free the sheep
And halfway through the boss fight, i’ll be in a corner fast asleep

I AFK in battlegrounds, thats how I got my purple gear
The stats don’t match my build, but I still like the way that I appear
In short, you see I have no clue and everyone I know agrees
I am the very model of a Warcraft Newbie 70

I’ve been to Ironforge, and yet I do not know the tram exists
I pester folks on general to take me out to Tanaris
Although I’ve never played your class, if we team up it won’t be long
Before I tell you all the things I think that you are doing wrong
Invite me to your group and i’ll insist that you should summon me
Then when you do I’ll ask for food and other things that I might need
Before the pull has been discussed I rush right in to start the fray
But when the fight gets out of hand I am the first to run away

I ninja loot by rolling need on every drop that’s green or blue
And if you haven’t kicked me yet, I’ll do it on the epics too
And so, you see why everyone in Shattrath City laughs at me
I am the very model of a Warcraft Newbie 70

My warriors try tanking with no shield and a two handed sword
My priests will heal you only right up to the point that they get bored
My rouges pickpocket every mob and cause the pull to go awry
My shamans never use their totems even when you ask them why
My warlocks never look to see what’s nearby when they cast a fear
My druids always go to dungeons wearing the same set of gear
My paladins cast random seals and never bring a judgment down
My hunters pets chase random mobs and during fights just run around

I run from PVP but I will gank you when your back is turned
Although I post in forums, I don’t read them so Ive never learned
That while I claim that I’m the greatest player you will ever see
I am the very model of a Warcraft Newbie 70

Several months ago, I finally gave in to the lure of the worlds most popular online RPG and started playing World of Warcraft. (You can find me on The Venture Co server as Pryderi.) For months, I worked my way up to level 70, meeting lots of cool people along the way, and finally, about three weeks ago, I finally reached that exalted summit. One of the interesting things about WoW is that, unlike a lot of games where you hit the level cap and wonder “OK, now what?”, there is a whole complex set of challenges designed especially for the top level characters. So rather than being the end of the journey, max level is a new beginning.

Of course, it’s possible for people to get all the way to max level without ever really learning to play your character effectively, which becomes painfully obvious to the people you end up in groups with during endgame content. I try very hard not to be one of those players, but I got the idea to write a song about the types of players everyone dreads teaming up with. This may not make sense if you don’t play the game, but hopefully the meta-joke at least works outside of context.

I apologize in advance for inflicting yet another parody of this tune on the world, but it fit too perfectly.

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6 Comments

  1. The Warcraft references go right by me, but anyone who’s done much role-playing gaming, online or tabletop, has met that kind of player.

    • That’s what I was hoping — some of the jargon is specific to that game, but the general attitude is universal, unfortunately.

  2. Bravo.

    You seem to have overlooked one group of folks who would fit right into this song. They’re the sort who answer ads such as “Elven Druid lvl 60, fully outfitted with spectacular gear, $500.” I see far too many of those (on Craigslist) to believe there’s no market. And if people are buying in at that level, well…

    (I note that I don’t understand buying in at high level if you haven’t ever brought a character up to that level. But that’s me, and there are LOTS of folks with more cash than brains out there.)

  3. Pryderi, of course you are. Despite the dark hair. How apt.

    I don’t play WoW, but [lj user=fordprfct] does, so I just sent this to him. I had “War Cry -- Leroy Jenkins” explained to me after lunch today.

  4. Bravo!! Very good. My lvl 70 Gnome tank salutes you and sends you a skin of dwarven stout.

  5. I remember a while back, playing a game with some of my in-game friends.

    Idiot, or eBay?

    “Check out the Damagemeters! I’m winning!” -- Idiot

    “I have three level 75 characters, and solo’d Onyxia with my priest!” -- probably eBay.

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