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Walrus Matilda

Walrus Matilda
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Waltzing Matilda” by Banjo Paterson

I am he as you are he, you are me and we are we
See how they run like pigs from a gun
See how they fly and take a look at how I cry
Then go a-walrus matilda with me

Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come
Corporation t-shirt, stupid bloody day
Man you’ve been a naughty boy, you have let your face grow long
So come a-walrus matilda with me

I am the egg man, I am the egg man
I am the Walrus, goo-goo-ca-choo
And we are in the garden, waiting for the sun to come
Who’ll come a-walrus matilda with me?

Mister City policemen, sitting in a pretty row
See how they fly like Lucy in the sky
See how they fly and take a look at how I cry
Then come a-walrus matilda with me

Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog’s eye
Pornographic priestess, crabalocker wife
Boy you’ve been a naughty girl, you have let your knickers down
So come a-walrus Matilda with me

I am the egg man, I am the egg man
I am the Walrus, goo-goo-ca-choo
And we are in the garden, tanning in the English rain
Who’ll come a-walrus matilda with me?

I’m an expert texpert, I’m a choking smoker too
Don’t you know the joker is laughing at you
See how the pigs smile, take a look at how I cry
Then come a-walrus matilda with me

Semolina Pilchard, climbing up the Eiffel Tower
Elementary penguin, hare krishna song
Man you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allen Poe
So come a-walrus matilda with me

I am the egg man, I am the egg man
I am the Walrus, goo-goo-ca-choo
Everybody’s got one, stick it up your jumper, love
Who’ll come a-walrus matilda with me?

I am the egg man, I am the egg man
I am the Walrus, goo-goo-ca-choo
You can still hear Paul’s ghost, as he says to the carpenter
Who’ll come a-walrus matilda with me?

A bit of silly mashup inspired by a conversation on #filkhaven this morning.

Quarantine

Quarantine
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Closing Time” by Semisonic

[Verse 1]
Quarantine
Close up all the doors and don’t go out onto the street
Quarantine
Turn all of the lights out and stay under your blanket and sheet
Quarantine
Sitting on the sofa watching TV and drinking beer
Quarantine
You don’t have to stay home but you can’t come here

[Chorus]
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
Please stay home…

[Verse 2]
Quarantine
Time for you to stay there in the places you already are
Quarantine
There’s nowhere to go, ’cause they closed every café and bar
So just take off your jackets, put them in the closet
I hope at least you have a friend
Quarantine
Please stay safe inside until the outside is safe once again.

[Chorus]
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
Please stay home…

[Bridge]
Quarantine
Time for you to stay there in the places you already are

[Chorus]
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
Please stay home…
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
Please stay home…

[Outro]
Quarantine
Please stay safe inside until the outside is safe once again.

I have to thank Trace Hagemann for being my muse and inspiring this! He posted a link to Semisonic’s “Closing Time” and said it was his quarantine music for the evening, and this formed in my brain. I guess I’ve now written my pandemic song.

Threat Report

TTTO: “Dust In The Wind” by Kansas

I hold my fire
Only for a moment, then the moment’s gone
Tank builds threat
Misdirect three shots, turn growl off on my pet
Manage your threat
DPS must manage its threat

Healers scream
Suddenly the boss is running after me
Quick, feign death!
Tanks desperately taunt while it is running free
Manage your threat
DPS must manage its threat

Don’t pull aggro
One eye on the meter — not the damage one
When you’re high
Find a way to dump threat or you’re going to die
Manage your threat
DPS must manage its threat

This is a bit of fluff I wrote in 2009, after a night of raiding in World of Warcraft.  I only ever shared it with Steve Shortino and Erica Neely, who were on my team at the time, and then forgot about it.  I’ve written another filk about WoW to this same tune that I think is better, but I’ll include this one for the sake of completion.

Thirteen Chord Songs

by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Secondhand Songs” by Jonathan Turner

Sharing songs in the filkcircle
I hear a tune that’s quite new
And I know at first listen
It’s one that I’d like to do
But I cannot decipher
Just the way it should go
So I ask for the chords
And he looks at me bored
As he says “Well, you know

I write thirteen chord songs
Songs in tunings bizarre
I don’t expect you to play them
You won’t know what they are
The patterns aren’t simple
It’s 7/4 time, it’s long
Oh your fingers will burn
If you sit down and learn
one of my thirteen chord songs.”

I’m not much with an instrument
I guess I play well enough
All my strumming is simple
Sometimes my changes are rough
And this song that he’s playing
Remains just out of my reach
But if i’m put to the test
I will still do my best
As I battle with each

Of these thirteen chord songs
Songs with rhythms complex
I don’t know why I try them
They always leave me quite vexed
My fingers are cramping
But still I soldier along
As I struggle to wrest
Some kind of tune from this mess
Of a thirteen chord song

So I went to my best friend
He plays much better than me
He said “This song’s not as tricky
As he’d like you to believe
Half these chords are for colour
And these two just for show
Put a capo on three
Now the whole things in G
And you’re ready to go

With this now four chord song”
The arrangement is spare
It is slightly less nuanced
But I don’t really care
Because now I can play it
And it doesn’t sound wrong
You can keep all your tricks
and your riffs and your licks
In your thirteen chord song

You can keep all your tricks
and your riffs and your licks
In your thirteen chord song

Although it’s down to four
I still need stamina more
’cause it’s an eight minute song

I wrote this song years ago, but somehow never got around to posting it, and then came across it again while putting together my OVFF 2018 Toastmaster concert setlist, so I saved it to include there before putting it out into the world.

I should note that while the original idea for this was based on a true story, no one was has ever dismissive and rude to me when I’ve asked for chords. I just thought it was funnier to imagine someone who was. 🙂

The original song, by New England area filker Jonathan Turner, is terrific, and I recommend seeking it out if you can.

The Muppets Take Manhattan

by Rob Wynne and Jeffrey Williams
TTTO: “First, We Take Manhattan” by Leonard Cohen

KERMIT:
They sentenced me to twenty years of vaudeville
I am a world-renowned amphibian
Well, now I want my picture on a playbill
The Muppets take Manhattan…Kermit rides a Schwinn

I’m guided by a voice beyond the rainbow
That lovers, dreamers, and I all attend
I’m guided by the search for the connection
The Muppets take Manhattan…Kermit rides a Schwinn

MISS PIGGY:
I’d really like to sing beside you, Kermie
I love your humour and your deadpan and your care
But you see that name in lights up on the marquee?
I told you, I told you, Moi told you: Moi should be up there!

KERMIT:
Ah, we’re moving right along, and now we’re ready for the Great White Way
We’ll make a show with our friends, just like we did in our heyday
How many nights we’ve played for this, to let the show begin
The Muppets take Manhattan…Kermit rides a Schwinn

We’re going to get the whole band back together
Doctor Teeth, the Electric Mayhem
The Animal unto the drum is tethered
The Muppets Take Manhattan…Kermit rides a Schwinn

MISS PIGGY:
I’d really like to sing beside you, Kermie
I love your humour and your deadpan and your care
But you see that name in lights up on the marquee?
I told you, I told you, Moi told you: Moi should be up there!

KERMIT:
And I thank you for the varied friends you sent me
The dog, the bear, whatever Gonzo is
We rehearsed every night, and now we’re ready
The Muppets take Manhattan, Kermit rides a Schwinn

Ah, hear me now, it’s time to play the music
To light the lights, and let the creatures in
And the two old men who make sure we are heckled
The Muppets Take Manhattan, Kermit rides a Schwinn

This song had a very long gestation period.  Many years ago, we had that refrain line, but couldn’t quite figuring out what to build around it.  And one day, it wandered through my head again, and suddenly I knew, and between us we knocked it out in quick fashion.  So it took either two days or two decades to write, depending on how you look at it. 🙂

I performed this song for the first time at OVFF 2018, where I was the toastmaster.  Special thanks to Merav Hoffman for playing Piggy to my Kermit.

This song appeared in the Gafilk 2019 songbook.

OVFF 2018

Seventeen years ago, I went to my first OVFF. It was a magical experience, and I met many of my dearest friends that weekend, and started a relationship which has become the foundation of my world, so I have a lot of strong feelings about it. I haven’t missed one since, and I was thrilled last year to be asked to serve as Toastmaster for this year’s convention.

I kept trying to figure out a way to write a more comprehensive con-report, but there was so much going on and so many people to see and spend time with (and never enough time with any of you) that I fear leaving something or someone out. But in true awards show fashion, I’m going to try until the orchestra plays me off.

Much thanks to the entire concom for the invitation, to Eric and Lizzie, Julia and Lady J, Cam3, Twill and Osiris of Wreck The System for being an awesome group of folks to share a bill with, and with whom to judge songwriting contests. Thanks to SteveEricaTrace, and Kathryn for late night Pegasus shenanigans. Thank you very much to Bill for the wonderful and humbling words in my program book bio, and for the years of friendship that made it possible.

Special thanks to Steve Macdonald and Merav Hoffman for implausibly last-minute assistance with my concert set. Those last two numbers couldn’t have happened with your help, and they’re both songs I’ve been wanting to do on stage for a long, long time.

My concert set was as follows.

0. The Folsom Connection
1. Anthem (cover)
2. The Madonna of the Midway (cover)
3. A Con Spent In A Circle
4. Thirteen Chord Songs
5. Son of a Son of a Vor Lord
6. Pass the Sage
7. The Ironforge Song
8. Party Of Four
9. Lawyers Guns and Honey
10. The Muppets Take Manhattan

(Lyrics for all songs by me except as noted: “Party of Four”, “Lawyers, Guns, and Honey”, and “The Muppets Take Manhattan” lyrics by myself and Jeff Williams. “Anthem” by Leonard Cohen. “The Madonna Of The Midway” lyrics by John M. Ford, music by Emma Bull. Tunes to all the parodies by their respective original composers; see my website for credits to specific songs. As always, these songs and others I’ve written can be found at http://www.autographedcat.com/songs/)

Thank you to everyone who attended my concert and who told me afterwards they enjoyed it. It was an honour to sing for you.

Thanks to Andrea and Lauren for the late night ice cream run, to Eric Distadand Jen for many long conversations, and to Elise for endless kindness.

Thanks to Kat for unexpected magic.

And finally, always, thanks to Larissa, who is my rock, my foundation, and my partner. You make everything possible.

OVFF 2018 was a blast, and I’m already looking forward to seeing everyone next year.

How To Unwind At The End Of The Day

How to Unwind At The End Of The Day
by Rob Wynne

I’ve got bills to pay
And I work hard all day
Man, being an adult is boring
So when I get home
I turn off the phone
And let my mind go out exploring

I hold on to hope
I don’t like to mope
But being mature is a pipe dream
But one thing is sure
To hold my allure
And sometimes I have it with ice cream

Whiskey and pie
Whiskey and pie
My, oh my, it’s whiskey and pie
Whiskey and pie
Whiskey and pie
My, oh my, it’s whiskey and pie

A light flakey crust
Fresh fruit is a must
You know stuff out of cans is just cheating
It’s all kicked up a notch
By a bottle of scotch
My cares are already retreating

Whiskey and pie
Whiskey and pie
My, oh my, it’s whiskey and pie
Whiskey and pie
Whiskey and pie
My, oh my, it’s whiskey and pie

Now some people say
This isn’t the way
To deal with my daily frustrations
I don’t really care
If the checkout girl stares
As I purchase a week’s allocation

Of Whiskey and pie
Whiskey and pie
My, oh my, it’s whiskey and pie
Whiskey and pie
Whiskey and pie
My, oh my, it’s whiskey and pie
My, oh my, it’s whiskey and pie

I wrote this three years ago for my friend Phoebe, and even got so far as setting a bit of a tune to it, which I vaguely remember and will probably recreate once I’m sitting near a guitar.   Anyway, it’s a bouncy, fun little song, and I wanted to make sure it got put over here into my songbook.

The Last Drummer Boy Christmas

THE LAST DRUMMER BOY CHRISTMAS
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: The Little Drummer Boy (Katherine Kennicott Davis) / Peace On Earth (Ian Fraser, Larry Grossman, and Alan Kohan)

Just last Christmas pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
I gave my heart to you pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
But the very next day pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
You gave my heart away pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
rum-pa-pa-pum, rum-pa-pa-pum

This year I will not make pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
The very same mistake pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
To save me from my tears pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
I’ll be more wise this year pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
rum-pa-pa-pum, rum-pa-pa-pum

Once bitten and twice shy pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
I stay away from you pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
but still you catch my eye pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
Do you still recognize? pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
rum-pa-pa-pum, rum-pa-pa-pum

Well now it’s been a year pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
I’m not surprised, I fear pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
I wrapped my heart for you pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
I meant my “I love you” pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
rum-pa-pa-pum, rum-pa-pa-pum

And now I know for sure pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
That I was quite a fool pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
but if you kissed me now pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
My heart would still unspool pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
rum-pa-pa-pum, rum-pa-pa-pum

[Peace On Earth Interweave]
A lover’s face, a fiery heart
(Just last Christmas pa-rum-pa-pa-pum)
I hid but you tore me apart
(I gave my heart to you pa-rum-pa-pa-pum)
But now I’ve found a real love
(But the very next day pa-rum-pa-pa-pum)
I’ve found love, and you will not fool
(You gave my heart away pa-rum-pa-pa-pum)
Will not fool. not fool me again
(rum-pa-pa-pum, rum-pa-pa-pum)
A real love
(This year I won’t give pa-rum-pa-pa-pum)
can it be?
(you my heart)

Everyone must be made aware
Not to place hearts into your care
I care enough for my fellow man
To give all the warning I can

Now my new love will be true
(This year I will not make pa-rum-pa-pa-pum)
She won’t hurt me just like you
(The very same mistake pa-rum-pa-pa-pum)
I gave my heart to someone
(To save me from my tears pa-rum-pa-pa-pum)
Someone who I know will not hurt
(I’ll be more wise this year pa-rum-pa-pa-pum)
will not hurt, not hurt me again
(rum-pa-pa-pum rum-pa-pa-pum)
A real love
(Me and my heart)
Can it be?
Can it be?

I first heard about The Little Drummer Boy challenge a few years ago. The idea was that you had to see how long you could go in December without hearing “The Little Drummer Boy”, and if you made it to Christmas Day without hearing it, you won.

In 2017, some enterprising folks decided to up the ante, by creating “Whamageddon”, which is the same game, except in this one you have to make it to Christmas Day without having heard Wham’s 1984 hit “Last Christmas”.

I didn’t make it on “The Little Drummer Boy”, thanks to a friend linking me to a skit featuring it, but I made it to Christmas Day without hearing “Last Christmas”, so….yay?

Anyway, I’ve certainly spent more time this year THINKING about “Last Christmas” than I might otherwise, and, well, my brain is a strange place.

Redshirt

Redshirt
by Rob Wynne
TTTO:  “Blackbird” by Paul McCartney and John Lennon

Redshirt beaming down to planetside
Doesn’t have a name to know him by
That poor guy
He will only be here ’til somebody has to die

Redshirt beaming down to planetside
It don’t matter what steps that you take
It’s for sure
You will not survive beyond the first commercial break
Redshirts die, Redshirts die
On every world that we’re stopping by…

Redshirts die, Redshirts die
On every world that we’re stopping by…

Redshirt beaming down to planetside
Doesn’t have a name to know him by
That poor guy
He will only be here ’til somebody has to die
He will only be here ’til somebody has to die
He will only be here ’til somebody has to die

 

I wrote this one a couple of months ago. My friend Marcos Duran had posted his filk about Star Trek redshirts (to the tune of “Roxanne”, and the idea for this parody popped into my head.

Banhammer

Banhammer
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Sledgehammer” by Peter Gabriel

You could make a cat GIF
putting down somebody’s race
You could post the president smiling
Hitler mustache on his face

All you do is post it
We’ll remove it from the feed

You could be a big dick, yeah
Ranting up and down, all around the pool
You could be a bumbling jerk, bumbling
But that violates the rule!

I’m gonna swing…my banhammer
I will erase your fame
Oh, let me swing the banhammer
This will be my admin posting

If you want to spam us
Then we will send you on your way
Don’t you try to spam us
Cause you know that just doesn’t play

I’m gonna swing…my banhammer
I will erase your fame
Oh, let me swing the banhammer
This will be my admin posting
I’m your banhammer
Let there be no doubt about it

Ban…..ban….banhammer

I kicked the asshole (I kicked the asshole)
Banned his nick (Banned his nick)
This is the Tadpool (This is the Tadpool)
So don’t be a dick (So please don’t be a dick)
If your posts are nice (posts are nice)
We will like it twice (like it twice)
Post it nice, (post it nice) I will comment twice

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I sure like you
Only you
Gonna post the good stuff
Post, post all the good stuff yeah
I’ve been finding the funny
I’ve been finding the funny
Going read that good stuff, post for you
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you
I’ve been finding the funny
I’ve been finding the funny
It’s what we’re doing, doing
All day and night

I wrote this a while ago, but never got around to posting it in the songbook.  The Tadpool is a social group that I co-moderate the Facebook group for; the first rule of the Tadpool is “Don’t be a dick” (also known as “Wheaton’s Law” — see the PDX Broadsides’ brilliant song of that same name for more on this.)

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