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Category: Songs (Page 1 of 12)

Thirteen Chord Songs

by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Secondhand Songs” by Jonathan Turner

Sharing songs in the filkcircle
I hear a tune that’s quite new
And I know at first listen
It’s one that I’d like to do
But I cannot decipher
Just the way it should go
So I ask for the chords
And he looks at me bored
As he says “Well, you know

I write thirteen chord songs
Songs in tunings bizarre
I don’t expect you to play them
You won’t know what they are
The patterns aren’t simple
It’s 7/4 time, it’s long
Oh your fingers will burn
If you sit down and learn
one of my thirteen chord songs.”

I’m not much with an instrument
I guess I play well enough
All my strumming is simple
Sometimes my changes are rough
And this song that he’s playing
Remains just out of my reach
But if i’m put to the test
I will still do my best
As I battle with each

Of these thirteen chord songs
Songs with rhythms complex
I don’t know why I try them
They always leave me quite vexed
My fingers are cramping
But still I soldier along
As I struggle to wrest
Some kind of tune from this mess
Of a thirteen chord song

So I went to my best friend
He plays much better than me
He said “This song’s not as tricky
As he’d like you to believe
Half these chords are for colour
And these two just for show
Put a capo on three
Now the whole things in G
And you’re ready to go

With this now four chord song”
The arrangement is spare
It is slightly less nuanced
But I don’t really care
Because now I can play it
And it doesn’t sound wrong
You can keep all your tricks
and your riffs and your licks
In your thirteen chord song

You can keep all your tricks
and your riffs and your licks
In your thirteen chord song

Although it’s down to four
I still need stamina more
’cause it’s an eight minute song

I wrote this song years ago, but somehow never got around to posting it, and then came across it again while putting together my OVFF 2018 Toastmaster concert setlist, so I saved it to include there before putting it out into the world.

I should note that while the original idea for this was based on a true story, no one was has ever dismissive and rude to me when I’ve asked for chords. I just thought it was funnier to imagine someone who was. 🙂

The original song, by New England area filker Jonathan Turner, is terrific, and I recommend seeking it out if you can.

The Muppets Take Manhattan

by Rob Wynne and Jeffrey Williams
TTTO: “First, We Take Manhattan” by Leonard Cohen

KERMIT:
They sentenced me to twenty years of vaudeville
I am a world-renowned amphibian
Well, now I want my picture on a playbill
The Muppets take Manhattan…Kermit rides a Schwinn

I’m guided by a voice beyond the rainbow
That lovers, dreamers, and I all attend
I’m guided by the search for the connection
The Muppets take Manhattan…Kermit rides a Schwinn

MISS PIGGY:
I’d really like to sing beside you, Kermie
I love your humour and your deadpan and your care
But you see that name in lights up on the marquee?
I told you, I told you, Moi told you: Moi should be up there!

KERMIT:
Ah, we’re moving right along, and now we’re ready for the Great White Way
We’ll make a show with our friends, just like we did in our heyday
How many nights we’ve played for this, to let the show begin
The Muppets take Manhattan…Kermit rides a Schwinn

We’re going to get the whole band back together
Doctor Teeth, the Electric Mayhem
The Animal unto the drum is tethered
The Muppets Take Manhattan…Kermit rides a Schwinn

MISS PIGGY:
I’d really like to sing beside you, Kermie
I love your humour and your deadpan and your care
But you see that name in lights up on the marquee?
I told you, I told you, Moi told you: Moi should be up there!

KERMIT:
And I thank you for the varied friends you sent me
The dog, the bear, whatever Gonzo is
We rehearsed every night, and now we’re ready
The Muppets take Manhattan, Kermit rides a Schwinn

Ah, hear me now, it’s time to play the music
To light the lights, and let the creatures in
And the two old men who make sure we are heckled
The Muppets Take Manhattan, Kermit rides a Schwinn

This song had a very long gestation period.  Many years ago, we had that refrain line, but couldn’t quite figuring out what to build around it.  And one day, it wandered through my head again, and suddenly I knew, and between us we knocked it out in quick fashion.  So it took either two days or two decades to write, depending on how you look at it. 🙂

I performed this song for the first time at OVFF 2018, where I was the toastmaster.  Special thanks to Merav Hoffman for playing Piggy to my Kermit.

How To Unwind At The End Of The Day

How to Unwind At The End Of The Day
by Rob Wynne

I’ve got bills to pay
And I work hard all day
Man, being an adult is boring
So when I get home
I turn off the phone
And let my mind go out exploring

I hold on to hope
I don’t like to mope
But being mature is a pipe dream
But one thing is sure
To hold my allure
And sometimes I have it with ice cream

Whiskey and pie
Whiskey and pie
My, oh my, it’s whiskey and pie
Whiskey and pie
Whiskey and pie
My, oh my, it’s whiskey and pie

A light flakey crust
Fresh fruit is a must
You know stuff out of cans is just cheating
It’s all kicked up a notch
By a bottle of scotch
My cares are already retreating

Whiskey and pie
Whiskey and pie
My, oh my, it’s whiskey and pie
Whiskey and pie
Whiskey and pie
My, oh my, it’s whiskey and pie

Now some people say
This isn’t the way
To deal with my daily frustrations
I don’t really care
If the checkout girl stares
As I purchase a week’s allocation

Of Whiskey and pie
Whiskey and pie
My, oh my, it’s whiskey and pie
Whiskey and pie
Whiskey and pie
My, oh my, it’s whiskey and pie
My, oh my, it’s whiskey and pie

I wrote this three years ago for my friend Phoebe, and even got so far as setting a bit of a tune to it, which I vaguely remember and will probably recreate once I’m sitting near a guitar.   Anyway, it’s a bouncy, fun little song, and I wanted to make sure it got put over here into my songbook.

The Last Drummer Boy Christmas

THE LAST DRUMMER BOY CHRISTMAS
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: The Little Drummer Boy (Katherine Kennicott Davis) / Peace On Earth (Ian Fraser, Larry Grossman, and Alan Kohan)

Just last Christmas pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
I gave my heart to you pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
But the very next day pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
You gave my heart away pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
rum-pa-pa-pum, rum-pa-pa-pum

This year I will not make pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
The very same mistake pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
To save me from my tears pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
I’ll be more wise this year pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
rum-pa-pa-pum, rum-pa-pa-pum

Once bitten and twice shy pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
I stay away from you pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
but still you catch my eye pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
Do you still recognize? pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
rum-pa-pa-pum, rum-pa-pa-pum

Well now it’s been a year pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
I’m not surprised, I fear pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
I wrapped my heart for you pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
I meant my “I love you” pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
rum-pa-pa-pum, rum-pa-pa-pum

And now I know for sure pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
That I was quite a fool pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
but if you kissed me now pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
My heart would still unspool pa-rum-pa-pa-pum
rum-pa-pa-pum, rum-pa-pa-pum

[Peace On Earth Interweave]
A lover’s face, a fiery heart
(Just last Christmas pa-rum-pa-pa-pum)
I hid but you tore me apart
(I gave my heart to you pa-rum-pa-pa-pum)
But now I’ve found a real love
(But the very next day pa-rum-pa-pa-pum)
I’ve found love, and you will not fool
(You gave my heart away pa-rum-pa-pa-pum)
Will not fool. not fool me again
(rum-pa-pa-pum, rum-pa-pa-pum)
A real love
(This year I won’t give pa-rum-pa-pa-pum)
can it be?
(you my heart)

Everyone must be made aware
Not to place hearts into your care
I care enough for my fellow man
To give all the warning I can

Now my new love will be true
(This year I will not make pa-rum-pa-pa-pum)
She won’t hurt me just like you
(The very same mistake pa-rum-pa-pa-pum)
I gave my heart to someone
(To save me from my tears pa-rum-pa-pa-pum)
Someone who I know will not hurt
(I’ll be more wise this year pa-rum-pa-pa-pum)
will not hurt, not hurt me again
(rum-pa-pa-pum rum-pa-pa-pum)
A real love
(Me and my heart)
Can it be?
Can it be?

I first heard about The Little Drummer Boy challenge a few years ago. The idea was that you had to see how long you could go in December without hearing “The Little Drummer Boy”, and if you made it to Christmas Day without hearing it, you won.

In 2017, some enterprising folks decided to up the ante, by creating “Whamageddon”, which is the same game, except in this one you have to make it to Christmas Day without having heard Wham’s 1984 hit “Last Christmas”.

I didn’t make it on “The Little Drummer Boy”, thanks to a friend linking me to a skit featuring it, but I made it to Christmas Day without hearing “Last Christmas”, so….yay?

Anyway, I’ve certainly spent more time this year THINKING about “Last Christmas” than I might otherwise, and, well, my brain is a strange place.

Redshirt

Redshirt
by Rob Wynne
TTTO:  “Blackbird” by Paul McCartney and John Lennon

Redshirt beaming down to planetside
Doesn’t have a name to know him by
That poor guy
He will only be here ’til somebody has to die

Redshirt beaming down to planetside
It don’t matter what steps that you take
It’s for sure
You will not survive beyond the first commercial break
Redshirts die, Redshirts die
On every world that we’re stopping by…

Redshirts die, Redshirts die
On every world that we’re stopping by…

Redshirt beaming down to planetside
Doesn’t have a name to know him by
That poor guy
He will only be here ’til somebody has to die
He will only be here ’til somebody has to die
He will only be here ’til somebody has to die

 

I wrote this one a couple of months ago. My friend Marcos Duran had posted his filk about Star Trek redshirts (to the tune of “Roxanne”, and the idea for this parody popped into my head.

Banhammer

Banhammer
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Sledgehammer” by Peter Gabriel

You could make a cat GIF
putting down somebody’s race
You could post the president smiling
Hitler mustache on his face

All you do is post it
We’ll remove it from the feed

You could be a big dick, yeah
Ranting up and down, all around the pool
You could be a bumbling jerk, bumbling
But that violates the rule!

I’m gonna swing…my banhammer
I will erase your fame
Oh, let me swing the banhammer
This will be my admin posting

If you want to spam us
Then we will send you on your way
Don’t you try to spam us
Cause you know that just doesn’t play

I’m gonna swing…my banhammer
I will erase your fame
Oh, let me swing the banhammer
This will be my admin posting
I’m your banhammer
Let there be no doubt about it

Ban…..ban….banhammer

I kicked the asshole (I kicked the asshole)
Banned his nick (Banned his nick)
This is the Tadpool (This is the Tadpool)
So don’t be a dick (So please don’t be a dick)
If your posts are nice (posts are nice)
We will like it twice (like it twice)
Post it nice, (post it nice) I will comment twice

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I sure like you
Only you
Gonna post the good stuff
Post, post all the good stuff yeah
I’ve been finding the funny
I’ve been finding the funny
Going read that good stuff, post for you
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you
I’ve been finding the funny
I’ve been finding the funny
It’s what we’re doing, doing
All day and night

I wrote this a while ago, but never got around to posting it in the songbook.  The Tadpool is a social group that I co-moderate the Facebook group for; the first rule of the Tadpool is “Don’t be a dick” (also known as “Wheaton’s Law” — see the PDX Broadsides’ brilliant song of that same name for more on this.)

Second Movement

Second Movement
by Rob Wynne
To the tune of “Everybody Hurts” by REM

When your dinner’s done
And you sit, you sit upon the throne
When you’re sure you’ve had enough
to digest, well, let go

Just let yourself go
Cause everybody pees
And everybody poops….sometimes.

Sometimes everything is full
Now it’s time to sit alone
When your dinner’s moved along (let go, let go)
If you feel like holding on (let go)
If you think your toilet seat
Is too cold, well, let go

Everybody poops
Take comfort in the void
Everybody poops
Don’t wipe on your hand, oh no

Don’t wipe on your hand, oh no
Use paper from the roll
No, no, no, use the roll

If you’re on your own after lunch
You’ve eaten all the food
When you think you’ve had too much of this food to hang on

Well, everybody poops,
Sometimes, everybody pees
Everybody poops sometimes
Everybody poops sometimes.

So let go, let go,
Let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go
Everybody poops

I swore I’d never actually write this song. But sometimes the muse won’t let go. Dedicated to all the parents of young children out there.

I Know It When I See It

I Know It When I See It
By Rob Wynne
TTTO: “All About That Bass” by Meghan Trainor

Because I’m all about that text,
‘Bout that text, no subtext
I’m all about that text, ’bout that text, no subtext
I’m all about that text, ’bout that text, no subtext
I’m all about that text, ’bout that text…

You know it’s pretty clear, this film ain’t subtle
You know why you’re here, there can be no rebuttal
‘Cause we’ve got that boom boom that all the folks craved
All the right smut and it is quite depraved

I see the movie scenes working that misdirect
But I do not know why
They’re all so circumspect
If you like sexy sexy, get what you want
Cause every scene is about sex
And we are very nonchalant

Yeah, Aunt Hortence, she told me don’t worry about the plot
Because folks only watch this for one thing and you know what
You know it won’t be PG rated, family-friendly fare
But if you want the good stuff
Then go ahead and take the dare

Because I’m all about that text,
‘Bout that text, no subtext
I’m all about that text, ’bout that text, no subtext
I’m all about that text, ’bout that text, no subtext
I’m all about that text, ’bout that text…

It’s full of nudity
But only for the social comment’ry
No, I’m just playing, I know you think it’s smut
But I’m here to tell you
Every scene is full of sex and we are very nonchalant

Yes, Aunt Hortence, she told me don’t worry about the plot
Because folks only watch this for one thing and you know what
You know it won’t be PG rated, family-friendly fare
But if you want the good stuff
Then go ahead and take the dare

Because I’m all about that text,
‘Bout that text, no subtext
Because I’m all about that text, ’bout that text, no subtext
Because I’m all about that text, ’bout that text, no subtext
I’m all about that text, ’bout that text…

Inspired by a comment made by Aahz Caller, as we discussed whether “Lesbian Farm Invaders” was the sort of film one watched for the subtext, which was itself in a thread about a recent news report that Rush Limbaugh was warning that federally paid lesbian farmers might soon invade your town, becuase boy howdy this year’s news has been hella weird.

Meet The Hipsters

Meet The Hipsters
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Theme From The Flintstones” by Hoyt Curtin, Joseph Barbera and William Hanna

Hipsters, meet the Hipsters
They’re a modern vintage family
From the streets of Brooklyn
They go on a thrift store shopping spree

Hear their…records (vinyl is preferred)
Bands of whom you’ll never once have heard

When you’re with the Hipsters
You’ll have a before it was cool time
A real old school time
You’ll have a new old time!

For the record, I have nothing against hipsters. But someone posted this photo, and this just…came out.Image may contain: 2 people, people standing and text

 

Rhymes of Fashion

Rhymes of Fashion
by Rob Wynne and Jeff Williams
TTTO: “We Will Rock You” by Queen

Buddy you’re a hard shoe, cheap shoe,
Plastic on your feet so you stomp in the puddles, yeah
You got mud on your strap, you piece of crap
But you sell because you’re cheaper than an iPhone app

We will, we will CROC YOU!(Wear it, uh…)
We will, we will CROC YOU!

Buddy you’re an apron, draped on,
Hang down to your knees so you don’t get the stain on you
You got paint in your hair, but you don’t care
Cuz you know it won’t get on to your clothes under there

We will, we will SMOCK YOU
We will, we will SMOCK YOU

Buddy, you’re a cheap robe, wardrobe
Fitting for a priest or a monk from the Middle Age
You got rope for a belt
Never look svelte
Even when you’re made from furry animal pelts

We will, we will FROCK YOU
We will, we will FROCK YOU

This is the sort of thing that happens when Jeff Williams and I get bored in chat…

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