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Lawyers, Guns, and Honey

Lawyers, Guns, and Honey
by Robert Wynne and Jeffrey Williams
Music: “Lawyers, Guns, and Money” by Warren Zevon
© 2006

Well, I went to talk to Piglet
Kanga, Owl, and Roo
I wish somebody’d told me
That Tigger’d be there, too

We went walkin’ to the mill pond
Saw Eeyore’d fallen in
Send lawyers, guns, and honey
Yeah, Tigger’s bounced again

Oh, I’m a bear of little brain
I’m full of cheer and pluck
Just halfway into Rabbit’s hole
And I found I was stuck
Yes, I found I was stuck
Well, I found I was stuck

Now I’m hanging from balloon strings
I’m a desperate bear
Send lawyers, guns, and honey
The bees have seen me there

Send lawyers guns and honey
Send lawyers guns and honey
Send lawyers guns and honey
Send lawyers guns and honey

Second Chances

Second Chances
Lyrics by Robert Wynne
Music by Steve Macdonald
© 2005

Tell me you believe in second chances
Tell me we can make a brand new start
Tell me you believe in true romances
Tell me that I haven’t lost your heart

Tell me that the past can be forgiven
Tell me that the lost can be redeemed
Tell me there is hope where there is living
And all is not as broken as it seemed

Still don’t understand how we fell so far apart
I just couldn’t see what I should do
But now my eyes are clear and my heart is sure
And every road leads me back to you

Tell me that the future isn’t out of sight
Tell me there’s a light to end the dark
Tell me there’s a chance to set our wrongs to right
Tell me that your heart still holds a spark

(Instrumental break)

Still don’t understand how we fell so far apart
I just couldn’t see what I should do
But now my eyes are clear and my heart is sure
And every road leads me back to you

Tell me you believe in second chances
Tell me we can make a brand new start
Tell me you believe in true romances
Tell me that I haven’t lost your heart

Musing On Jane

Musing On Jane
by Robert Wynne
Music: “Jane” by Barenaked Ladies
© 2005

She lives inside my head, sweet Jane the muse
She lives on fiction, cigarettes and booze
She dictates plots to me and I just weep
I wish she would shut up and let me sleep
Jane, doesn’t seem to understand I have to work
Jane, doesn’t care that she is acting like a jerk
Jane
Jane

I wrote a story and thought it was grand
I didn’t know she had four sequels planned
I must look like a crazy foreigner
Arguing with myself on street corners
Jane, has more ideas than I’ve hours in the day
Jane, pesters me all night and will not go away
Jane
Jane

I wrote a novel
DAW should have got it yesterday
Why it would be best now to take a short rest now
is what I cannot explain to Jane

Still living in my head, sweet Jane the muse
Still sending more ideas than I can use
I’m not sure how she got inside my brain
I write her words out longhand on the train
Jane, has yet another trilogy for me to write
Jane, doesn’t see why I think I should sleep tonight
Jane
Jane

Thirteen Ways of Looking At A Cicada

Thirteen Ways of Looking At A Cicada
by Robert Wynne
Music: Various tunes (see note below)
© 2004

I.
If you like squishing cicadas
getting caught in the rain

II.
Oh cicadas, you’re breaking my heart
You’re all on my lawn and I hate you
Oh cicadas, please please go away
For seventeen years i won’t miss you

III.
I’m gonna kill the bugs next door
Ain’t gonna chirp anymore
They’re underground for seventeen years
Then they come up and drink all my beer
Gonna squash em with my boots
How i wish i had a gun that shoots
Gonna kill kill kill kill kill kill kill those bugs

IV.
Cicada blues
You make me cry
I don’t wanna lose this feeling
And if i choose for you to die
You would be in your grave

V.
You walk across the lawn and they will crawl up on your pants
Shake them off your shoes and you do a little dance
Worst of all you find their shells are stuck to all your plants
Hey, they’re cicadas!

VI.
I squashed cicadas
But i did not squish the ladybugs

VII.
Wasting away again here in Cicadaville
Searching for a safe path I can walk

VIII.
I walked out on my lawn
To face my fears
The last time they were here
Seventeen years
It’s cicadas
They climb on everything
Nowhere to sit
I wish they’d go away
I must admit
Damn cicadas

IX.
One day, bugs will rain out
From beneath the rainspout
And then you will hear ci-
cadas come and chirp the night away

X.
Cold rain on the front lawn has softened the grounds
For seventeen years they have slept in their mounds
But now they have surfaced; the night rings with sound
Cicada’s will rise with the moon

XI.
They are very noisy bugs
Cicadas chirp outside your bedroom
They go away for seventeen years then they come back
And they get in everything

Those bugs are pretty nasty
(That bug’s a Cicada!)
The kind of bugs you read about
(In science magazines!)
They haven’t left my lawn yet
(The bugs are cicadas)
I think I’m gonna squish them
(Everywhere I step)
They’re not right! They’re not right!
These bugs are not for me!

They are cicadas! Cicadas!
I hate Cicadas!

XII.
Little cicadas
Crawling everywhere
You’re pretty sure they’re even crawling in your hair
Where did they come from
Underneath the ground
Seventeen years past and not one could be found

XIII.
Guess who just got back today
Those little bugs that had been away
Everywhere, cicadas in your way
And if the bugs wanna chirp, you better let ’em

Cicadas were much in the news in 2004, because of the arrival of the once-every-seventeen-years emergence from hibernation cycle. The idea for this came from a conversation I was having in a chat room about the subject.

The thirteen tunes are, in order: (1) “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)” by Rupert Holmes, (2) “Cecilia” by Simon & Garfunkel, (3) “Gonna Kill The Dog Next Door” by The Arrogant Worms, (4) “Bell Bottom Blues” by Derek and the Dominos, (5) “Macarena” by Los del Rio, (6) “I Shot The Sherriff” by Bob Marley, (7) “Margaritaville” by Jimmy Buffett, (8) “And I Love Her” by the Beatles, (9) “Open Arms (Worlds Apart” by Journey, (10) “Giant” by Stan Rogers, (11) “Superfreak” by Rick James, (12) “Lady Madonna” by the Beatles, and (13) “The Boys are Back in Town” by Thin Lizzie.

The entire thing is a meta-parody of Wallace Stevens’s poem “Thirteen Ways of Looking At A Blackbird”

Somewhere On The Windows Server

Somewhere On The Windows Server
by Robert Wynne and Jeffrey Williams
Music: “Somewhere Down The Crazy River” by Robbie Robertson
© 2004

Yeah, I can see it now
The flashing green link light shimmered in the dark
I was feeling like a user on a strange site
You know, where people play games on the net?
God, it was too slow to post
I followed the link to an mp3 site from somewhere out in Asia
All of a sudden, I could hear someone whispering from right behind me
I turned around and she said “Why do you always end up on the chat room page?
I said “I don’t know, the links just kind of led me this way.”
She said “Hang the proc”

Dump the blue screen
Errors never seen before
Look for me
Somewhere on the Windows server
(Somewhere on the Windows Server)
Dump the blue screen
All the way down to the core
You can find me
Somewhere on the Windows server
(Somewhere on the Windows server)

Grab a jpg of this
The machine room is empty, abandoned 486 server
Sitting at the console listening to Little Billy Gates
Yeah, that’s when your apps stood still
Y’know, I’m gonna go down to the CompuShak
And let ’em build my box
She said “That UNIX stuff don’t do nothing for me

I’m a man who needs virus protection
I’m a man with a broadband connection
You load the line
You slow the net
I can find my files yet

Dump the blue screen
Errors never seen before
Look for me
Somewhere on the Windows server
(Somewhere on the Windows Server)
Dump the blue screen
All the way down to the core
You can find me
Somewhere on the Windows server
(Somewhere on the Windows server)

Wait, did you see that?
Man, this is stirring up some errors for me
She said “There’s one thing you gotta learn
Is how to keep rebooting it.”
I said “No, I hate it. I hate it, it sucks.”
She said, “You hate it now, but you’ll learn to loathe it later.”

Dump the blue screen
Errors never seen before
Look for me
Somewhere on the Windows server
(Somewhere on the Windows Server)
Dump the blue screen
All the way down to the core
You can find me
Somewhere on the Windows server
(Somewhere on the Windows server)

I’ve been coredumped — failing the trace
I’ve been coredumped — failing the trace
Log on the system — disks and mem’ry
I’ve been coredumped — somewhere on the Windows server
This is another case of Jeff and me being silly in conversation and having it lead to a pretty nifty song. Both of us have been big fans of Robbie Robertson for years, and especially of the moody jazz noir of “Somewhere Down the Crazy River”. If I can figure out a way to recreate the accompaniment to this, I’d love to actualyl perform it someday, or see someone else do so. It’s such a cool tune, it’d have to be done “right” for it to work.

Never Seen The Tech Desk

Never Seen The Tech Desk
by Robert Wynne
Music: “Never Been To Spain” by Three Dog Night
© 2004

Oh I’ve never seen the tech desk
Cause I’ve always been too lazy;
But I know a lot of folks there
They call me up and drive me crazy!
My spirit’s droopy
Cause they’re so loopy
They’re our support staff
Our tech support staff

There’s not a day goes by now
They don’t call me on the phone
And they start each conversation
With “Hey, now what’s going on?”
Is there an outage?
Or some strange problem?
We can’t define it!
No we can’t define it!”

I ask them if they’ve done their homework
And what they did to troubleshoot it
They say they’re not sure what to do next
And wonder if they should reboot it?
I say “Don’t know yet
Where you ought to go yet
What is the error?
You haven’t said the error!

I studied hard to be a SysOp
Because I thought that I would like it
I didn’t know back when I started
That you also must be psychic
I do my best, still
Hoping that the rest will
Learn from repeating
But memory is so fleeting

‘Cause the next time that my phone rings
Once the problem is resolved
and it’s the same technician calling
And a new customer’s involved.
Why can’t you see it?
I can guarantee it’s
The same thing as the last one
It’s the same damn problem!

Oh I’ve never seen the tech desk
Cause I’ve always been too lazy
But I know a lot of folks there
They call me up and drive me crazy
My spirit’s droopy
Cause they’re so loopy
They’re our support staff
Our tech support staff
I’d like to state, for the record, that I adore my support desk, and they really are good at what they do. Having said that, the sorts of things that this song details are inevitable in ANY organization where someone has to support the support folks, and that’s what I do for a living.

The song is also true in the regard that I’ve never actually set foot in our call centre, as it is located in another city and I haven’t made time to go down there. I really need to correct that some day soon.

The Last March of Gondor

The Last March of Gondor
by Robert Wynne and Larissa March
Music: “Least of My Kind” by Cat Faber
© 2004

Armored in in battle mail,
Swearing we shall not fail,
Cursing, we ride to Mordor’s Door.
Men, elves and dwarves unite
Facing the Shadow’s might
Here is a challenge he can’t ignore!

Well spent the battle cost
All hope is not yet lost
Frodo still carries the ring
You have not fought in vain
When you march forth again
You shall be led by your king.

We fought and did not yield
Pelennor’s battlefield
Now we approach the Dark Lord’s gate
Sauron we will defy
Hoping to draw his eye
Far from the one who’ll decide our fate

Well spent the battle cost
All hope is not yet lost
Frodo still carries the ring
You have not fought in vain
When you march forth again
You shall be led by your king.

One day may tell the tale
Courage of men shall fail
That will not be this day, I swear
Look on me now, Dark Lord
Reforged, the broken sword
Thought you that Isildur had no heir?

Well spent the battle cost
All hope is not yet lost
Frodo still carries the ring
You have not fought in vain
When you march forth again
You shall be led by your king.

Ultimately, this song was inspired by a typo. Gwen Knighton was discussing the second album release of her band, Three Weird Sisters and accidently typed the title of the Cat Faber song “Least of My Kind” as “Least of My King”. That sparked the idea of an LOTR themed parody of that tune.

One of the nifty additions to the movie versions of Lord of the Rings is Aragorn’s “St. Crispin’s Day” speech, as the assembled Army of the West stands before the Gates of Mordor. I imagined how bards might remember that in song, and this was the result.

This is the first song that my wife Larissa and I wrote together. It was an enjoyable experience, and hopefully one we’ll repeat.

This song was published in the Conterpoint 2004 songbook, and in “Under Filk Wood”, the songbook for Interaction, the 2005 Worldcon in Glasgow.

Just In New Zealand

Just In New Zealand
by Robert Wynne
Music: “Only In Kenya”
© 2004

Where can you get temp jobs?
Just in New Zealand!
In New Zealand we got temp jobs!

Say you wanna make movies?
Just in New Zealand!
Got temp jobs and movies: Just in New Zealand!

(Forget Hollywood!)

New Zealand Oh, New Zealand!
Where the dwarves are and the Bree men!

New Zealand! Zealand Zealand Zealand!
New Zealand! Come to New Zealand
(Can you believe it?)

This was an instafilk inspired by a report that New Zealand’s economy had been bolstered by the huge number of temporary jobs the filming of Lord of the Rings had generated. It’s extremely silly, but so is the source tune.

Now, if only someone could animate it. *grin*

Glitter Breasts

Glitter Breasts]
by Robert Wynne
Music: “(Theme From) Spider-Man”
© 2003

Glitter breasts, Glitter breasts
Does whatever she wants with zest
See her boobs catch the light
Sparkly tits, what a sight!
Oh wow! Check out the glitter breasts

Is she cute? listen guy
She makes rain fall from the sky
Catch you down in the pool
Ride you like a pony, cool!
Woo-hoo, check out those glitter breasts!

In the heat of the night
On the dancefloor below
Watch her catching the light
She will shimmer and glow

Glitter breasts, Glitter breasts
Never doubt that she is the best
Shakes her ass, perfect size
Money-maker wins the prize

Oh yeah, whenever there’s a contest
She never causes unrest
Cheer for her glitter breasts!
There’s really not a lot to say about this song. Other than the fact that I know I will someday actually come face to face with Seanan again, and there will be a long awkward silence, after which I will stammer, in my best Jack Davenport voice, “I love you….”

Love ya, Seanan. *mwah*

We Will All Sin Together When We Sin

We Will All Sin Together When We Sin
by Robert Wynne and Martin DeMello
Music: “We Will All Go Together When We Go” by Tom Lehrer
© 2002

If you believe religious men
You ought to burn your bridges when
The company you keep would have you go astray
And you may have found it painful
When they looked at you disdainfully
And told you that you had to live their way
(But never matter)

When your friends all start to scurry
All those pious sounds of worry
Shall never give us reason to despair
For though they’re bound to make a fuss
When they throw the book at us
We’ll be having too much fun to really care

And we will all sin together when we sin
All the trouble that we can we will get in
No need to ask us twice sir
Because nothing could be nicer
We will all sin together when we sin

We will all fall together when we fall
We shall have ourselves an unrepentant ball
Heading straight towards damnation
At the slightest provocation
Yes we all will fall together when we fall

Oh, we will all lapse together when we lapse
We will round up all the lasses and the chaps
When it’s time to start transgressing
We find company a blessing
And we’ll party right until we all collapse!

Down by the old mill stream
We can cavort in pairs or teams….

And we will all moan together when we moan
And ensure that our intentions are well known
Enough talk about the weather
Let’s go roll out in the heather
There are subjects that are best not left alone

We will all snug together when we snug
On the bed and on the couch and on the rug
Give into our desire
And then stoke that inner fire
And end up looking really rather smug

We will all come together when we come
To the sound of heartbeats pounding like a drum
With a cry of ecstacy, we
Will all squeal with joyful glee
And the delight that everybody’s getting some!

And we will all sign our names for our respective Gehennas
For we know that’s where we’re heading with no time for I knew you whennas

Yes we will all sin together when we sin
Just prop the door and let the neighbours in
There’s no one who’s not a friend here
So just pick yourself an end dear
And we all will win together
When we all sin together
Yes we all will sin together when we sin
This one is all Teri Wachowiak’s fault. A large number of us were all hanging out on #filkhaven in order to avoid other tasks we should have been doing, and Teri said “Well, at least we can all sin together”, and boom, we were off to the races. Martin and I traded off verses then culled and rewrote until we had the finished product.

At least one person complained that the only sin the song seems to cover is lust. Well, what can I say. I like lust. <shrug>

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