Gwnewch y pethau bychain

The untold history…

I have no idea who wrote this, but it was sent to me on a mailing list, and a web search failed to come up with an author. Whoever out there is responsible, good job!

1689
Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and
establishes a small base camp.
1691
Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus’ crew abandons him.
1692
Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe, bringing
some items along with him from the North Pole. He finds he is able to sell
them quite easily, making a small profit.
1703
Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and returns to the
North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base camp, half-buried but still
intact.
1704
Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts, and is
successful in selling them. He makes enough profit to increase his crew, and
buys building materials to expand his polar base.
1705
Claus returns again to the North Pole, and builds quarters for him and his
crew, and sets up the Polar Exports Company.
1716
After six shiploads of exports, the European market is flooded with polar
artifacts, as well as the phony ones making charlatans rich. Seeing this
decline, Claus decides to invest his money by starting a toy company in his
native Germany.
1720
Claus Toys becomes the largest toy company in Germany, but only because of
Claus’ underhanded business dealings. (It was also rumored that Claus was
dealing with enemy countries as well). Competitors urged government
officials to begin an investigation.
1721
Enough evidence is found, and charges are drawn up against the Claus Toys
Company. Claus himself refuses to release his records.
1722
The German Supreme Court finds Claus guilty of tax evasion and of treason.
When news of this breaks, Claus’ employees all turn against him and his
company.
1723
Claus is exiled to Sicily, and shortly before leaving, he absconds with all
of the company’s funds.
1724
A search party is sent to the Mediterranean to recover the funds, however,
Claus hears of this ahead of time, and he and his Sicilian wife flee for
their lives. (Some say he went into Northern Africa, but it is generally
assumed that this was only a ruse to lure the searchers off course. He is
believed to have returned to his North Pole base).
1725
Claus II is born en route to the North Pole.
1725-1734
The Claus’ lay low at the North Pole. Claus teaches his son the arts of
toymaking and business dealings.
1735
Rumor has it that Claus has hired Scandinavian builders to construct a
castle for him at the North Pole, making use of almost half of the company
funds.
1739
The castle is finished, and is one of the largest in the world. Claus II
reaches his fifteenth birthday, and in the same year, Claus’ wife dies,
accidentally falling from a balcony in one of the castle’s great halls.
1740
Claus, mourning his wife, becomes increasingly ill.
1745
Santa Claus II becomes of age, and begins taking care of the castle and of
his sick father.
1747
Using the remaining company funds, Claus II builds a small city around the
castle to attract workers and craftsmen.
1748
Word of the North Pole settlement reaches Europe. The Elves of Eastern
Europe, quickly becoming political outcasts and striving for a better life,
begin immigrating in waves to the North Pole.
1753
All the elves have left Eastern Europe and have become firmly established at
the North Pole. Claus II begins his father’s toy company once again, with an
estimated 30,000 elves employed. Claus I dies, at age 89.
1755
The North Pole officially becomes a nation, and Claus II and his wife take
the throne. The toy business continues to flourish, and the elves enjoy
prosperity. Claus III is born.
1757
The great stables are built, and scientists are secretly hired by Claus II
to begin an ambitious project–that of breeding and training reindeer to
fly.
1773
The flying reindeer are achieved and become Claus II and III’s major form of
transportation.
1774
A mutant reindeer, named Rudolf, is born whose nose emits light. He becomes
an outcast of the reindeer society, and is taken in by the Claus government.
Claus II celebrates his 50th birthday, inviting several other world leaders
for a stay at his castle. To impress them, he displays a lavish show of
wealth, all at the elves’ expense. He gives the other leaders the impression
of a dictatorship under the guise of royalty. The elves sense this, and the
seeds of rebellion are planted.
1777
As conditions become increasingly strict, the elves begin to search for a
leader to lead their revolt. Rudolf, still in favor of the Claus government,
sees their plight and begins thinking of ways to use it to his advantage.
1784
On his 60th birthday, Claus II takes a sleigh ride down main street during
the Christmas day parade, and is assassinated by a radical faction of elves.
Claus III, now 29, takes over immediately and puts martial law into effect
for the whole North Pole. Civil war breaks out as Rudolf leads the Elves in
rebellion.
1785-1792
The Seven-year Strike takes place. The elves refuse to make toys, and the
Claus Toy Company nearly goes bankrupt, as the North Pole hits an economic
low. Claus III, fearing for his life, becomes a prisoner of his own castle.
Rudolf rises to the peak of his power, and sets himself as leader of the
elven community.
1796
Rudolf and his army unsuccessfully attempt to invade Norway. Over 10,000
elves are killed.
1800
Inside the castle, unbeknownst to the elves, Claus IV is born.
1802
After a string of political blunders, Rudolf senses that he is quickly
losing favor with the elves. Frosty the Snowman is built, brought to life,
and used as a political scapegoat.
1804
Frosty the Snowman is melted at a public execution, and the elves are calmed
of their unrest, for the moment.
1819-1826
After a long period of unrest, Rudolf is finally ousted, and Claus III, aged
71, rightfully regains the throne. Prince Claus IV is introduced to the
elves publicly for the first time.
1827-1841
The Renormalization years. Claus III brings the near-bankrupt Claus Toys
Company out of dormancy and appoints his son as president. In order to clear
their bad name and make up for their out-of-the-way location, they decide to
start the hugest advertising campaign ever. Each Christmas, Claus IV will
ride all over the world, distributing free toys to children everywhere. The
ad campaign becomes a hit, but remains very costly.
1837
Claus III dies.
1851
As the annual ad campaign continues, deficits pile up, and the elves are
asked to work harder, longer hours and still take a pay cut. They start to
complain, but Claus assures them he will do all he can to help them. As a
sign of goodwill, Claus IV marries an Elven wife, strengthening the bonds
between the Claus family and the Elves.
1856
Claus V is born. In order to celebrate, Claus IV decides to stay at home,
and so he suggests that department stores use costumed employees to
represent him. They do, and it works out so well that he decides to do it
every year.
1857-1867
Claus V grows up, spending most of his time visiting with his elf relatives
and friends. Claus IV, who spends most of his time building up the company,
doesn’t seem to mind, in fact, he feels that it’s good publicity.
1871
Working conditions continue to worsen for the elves, and they try to
convince Claus V to overthrow his father and give the government back to the
elves.
1872
Claus V usurps his father’s throne, sending him to live the remainder of his
life under guard in the castle’s west wing.
1875
After reading the works of Karl Marx, Claus V chooses communism as the new
form of government for the North Pole. Some elves protest this, but they are
successfully quieted. (It is also because of communism that Santa Claus’
suit later changes from beige to red.)
1881
Claus IV dies in captivity, just as the new Government gets underway. His
funeral is not a large one.
1887
In order to keep up with growing populations, Claus Toys becomes
industrialized. The elves learn the ways of mass production on the assembly
line.
1893
Another mutant reindeer is born, and is named Rudolf II in honor of the
first one, whom the communist government now honors for “giving the
government back to the elves.”
1900
Sigmund Freud’s “The Interpretation of Dreams” is published.
1902
After he had been presumed dead for years, Frosty the Snowman is claimed to
have been sighted on several occasions. All throughout the kingdom, children
claim that they all heard him say he’d be back again some day.
1906
Claus VI is born. The Claus family celebrates, but the elves aren’t the
least bit excited.
1909-1922
The toys distributed yearly begin to show signs of propaganda influence.
Frosty the Snowman continues to appear occasionally, and Claus V begins to
grow uneasy, fearing some sort of hidden sabotage.
1925
Claus V dies, under mysterious circumstances. He is found buried in the snow
in the castle garden, frozen solid. Many think it is the work of Frosty, but
no one can prove it.
1926
Claus VI takes over, and immediately tightens up security. He rules with an
iron hand, but a fair one. Electric lights are installed in the streets, and
the castle and the town gets electricity. The factories are expanded, and
the toys continue to be used as propaganda for the world.
1929
Angered by Claus’ commercialization of Christmas, the Grinch attempts to
remove the material goods to show the true meaning of Christmas. He fails,
and later Claus commissions a cartoon, which warps the story so that the
Grinch is made out to be the villain.
1949
Claus VII is born.
1979
Claus VI dies of natural causes.
1933-1990
The North Pole remains stable, with everything running smoothly. Across the
Western world, a pattern starts to emerge and become noticed. Children
receive Claus’ toys each Christmas, but as they grow older, their parents
throw them away and then they tell their children that there is no Santa
Claus.
1991
First sightings of Anti-Claus.
1993
Anti-Claus is observed closely with telescopes, and photographed. His suit
is like that of Santa Claus, but with the reds and whites reversed. He
carries a 3-ply Hefty bag full of gifts no one wants or needs. And instead
of using reindeer and a sleigh, he rides in a bathtub pulled by eight flying
cows.
1997
Anti-Claus is radar tracked and found to live in an underground hideout run
by dwarves at the South Pole.
2002
Communism fails utterly at the North Pole due to the nature of the elves.
Claus VII, flying clockwise around the earth making the Christmas rounds,
collides with Anti-Claus, who was flying counterclockwise. A huge explosion
and blinding flash of light occurs, leading scientists to believe that they
annihilated each other.
2007
The North Pole becomes a democracy, run wholly by the elves. Christmas is no
longer commercialized or exploited. Happiness is finally achieved throughout
the kingdom.
2011
It is discovered that Claus VII did not die in the explosion, but merely
made it appear so. From there he went to live in the Bahamas. He is later
found, dead of a heart attack, in a Jacuzzi with two and a half dozen
nymphets.

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2 Comments

  1. *stares*

    Um. I don’t really … I can’t decide whether to roll around on the floor laughing or run away shrieking in abject terror.

    Thank you for sharing!

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