Gwnewch y pethau bychain

Month: November 2001

You are my friend…

You are my friend, and I love you.

It’s a simple thing to say. But sometimes I think the people I say it to don’t comprehend the depth of what I mean when I say it. It means that I’m always there for you, in as much capacity as I can be. It means that you are never imposing, it means that you are never taking up time I could better spend elsewhere. It means that when you are down, I want to pick you up. It means that I’m there to hold you when you feel like you’re slipping away. It means you never have to spend the night alone.

It means that I care about you, and all your ups and downs, that I will walk beside you during your trials, and be the first in line to give you a huge hug when you triumph.

It means that there’s no need to say “I’m sorry.” It means that no matter how disconnected you might feel, there is ever one person in this world who cares what’s going through your head.

I don’t always have solutions, or suggestions, or even the right words. I’m not always wise, and I’m not always thoughtful. But, when you need me, I will always be there.

Because you are my friend. And I love you.


Got this from my friend Jill. Thanks Jill!

It’s over…

I finally couldn’t go on.

Thursday night, I told Kitty that I couldn’t continue with our relationship, and that I was moving out of the house. I’m currently staying with telynor for a few days, until I can get oriented. I’ll probably write more about this later, but I wanted the people who read here to know what was going on.

Roller Coasters and Ferris Wheels

I hate roller coasters.

I don’t mean in the physical amusement park ride sense, really. I don’t /love/ roller coasters the way some people do. i can take them or leave them, but they can be fun with the right people to ride along with.

I hate emotional roller coasters.

A lot of my avoidance issues come from the fact that I tend to shy away from conflict. I’d rather keep an even keel and work through things, steadily, than get involved in tempests. I’d rather talk things out than argue. And I’d much, much rather take up ground at a steady pace than have to rush around and do things in a frenzy. I like calm. I like peace. I like comfort.

I don’t like roller coasters.

Ferris wheels, on the other hand, are lovely. Yes, there’s ups and downs, but they’re steady and gentle, and if you put in a good word with the guy at the switch, he might even let you stop at the top for a while.

I want my life to be like a ferris wheel. I’d gladly slip the guy at the switch a twenty to arrange a temporary “malfunction” while I’m up at the top, with her snuggled close to me and the world laid out before us, full of possibility and light.

Instead, I’m on this roller coaster. And it keeps picking up speed.


Man is never honestly the fatalist, nor even the stoic. He fights his
fate, often desperately. He is forever entering bold exceptions to the
rulings of the bench of gods. This fighting, no doubt, makes for human
progress, for it favors the strong and the brave. It also makes for
beauty, for lesser men try to escape from a hopeless and intolerable
world by creating a more lovely one of their own.
— H.L. Mencken


I am not a selfish person.

I don’t say this out of hubris. Only that it’s the center of my current dilemma.

See, I’m a person who likes to do for others. My priority list always seems to start with “What can I do to make the people around me happy?” In large part, I know that this is because doing for others is one of the things that makes ME happy. I like to make other people smile, to help them get what they want, to make someone else’s life just a small bit brighter and more worthwhile.

Most of the time when I am unhappy, it’s because I’m put into a situation where the things that *I* want and need are in direct conflict with the wants and needs of someone who is close to me. Knowing that the choices I make for my own health and happiness are going to have a negative effect on someone else gets me in a state of inner turmoil and triggers my depressive tendencies. This gets worse when the other person knows about these tendencies — I’m very easy to manipulate if you know which parts of me to tug.

I need to learn to be selfish. I need to learn to make decisions in my own benefit. I need to make those decisions and face through the consequences so that I can finally fill the hole inside of me with love and light.

I know what I need. I know what I want. I know it will not be easy to achieve, because my hardest foe to overcome is myself.

Once more, unto the breach….

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén