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Some Assembly Required

Some Assembly Required
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Maria” by Stephen Sondheim and Leonard Bernstein

IKEA
I just bought a book from IKEA
And the component parts just to make up a single word
IKEA, IKEA, IKEA, IKEA

IKEA!
I’ve just bought a book from IKEA
And assembling that text
Will find me rather vexed
and sad
IKEA

Shout out loud, find there’s a piece missing
Mutter soft, and you’re cursing and hissing

IKEA
I’ll never again buy IKEA
The most obnoxious book I’ll never read
IKEA
 
This was an insta inspired by this meme picture.  Everytime I saw it, I got the song in my head, so I jotted it down. 🙂

Image may contain: text that says "Just bought a book from IKEA S L Z m P እ ப d W P"

Quarantine

Quarantine
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Closing Time” by Semisonic

[Verse 1]
Quarantine
Close up all the doors and don’t go out onto the street
Quarantine
Turn all of the lights out and stay under your blanket and sheet
Quarantine
Sitting on the sofa watching TV and drinking beer
Quarantine
You don’t have to stay home but you can’t come here

[Chorus]
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
Please stay home…

[Verse 2]
Quarantine
Time for you to stay there in the places you already are
Quarantine
There’s nowhere to go, ’cause they closed every café and bar
So just take off your jackets, put them in the closet
I hope at least you have a friend
Quarantine
Please stay safe inside until the outside is safe once again.

[Chorus]
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
Please stay home…

[Bridge]
Quarantine
Time for you to stay there in the places you already are

[Chorus]
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
Please stay home…
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
I wish everyone would stay at home
Please stay home…

[Outro]
Quarantine
Please stay safe inside until the outside is safe once again.

I have to thank Trace Hagemann for being my muse and inspiring this! He posted a link to Semisonic’s “Closing Time” and said it was his quarantine music for the evening, and this formed in my brain. I guess I’ve now written my pandemic song.

Threat Report

TTTO: “Dust In The Wind” by Kansas

I hold my fire
Only for a moment, then the moment’s gone
Tank builds threat
Misdirect three shots, turn growl off on my pet
Manage your threat
DPS must manage its threat

Healers scream
Suddenly the boss is running after me
Quick, feign death!
Tanks desperately taunt while it is running free
Manage your threat
DPS must manage its threat

Don’t pull aggro
One eye on the meter — not the damage one
When you’re high
Find a way to dump threat or you’re going to die
Manage your threat
DPS must manage its threat

This is a bit of fluff I wrote in 2009, after a night of raiding in World of Warcraft.  I only ever shared it with Steve Shortino and Erica Neely, who were on my team at the time, and then forgot about it.  I’ve written another filk about WoW to this same tune that I think is better, but I’ll include this one for the sake of completion.

Second Movement

Second Movement
by Rob Wynne
To the tune of “Everybody Hurts” by REM

When your dinner’s done
And you sit, you sit upon the throne
When you’re sure you’ve had enough
to digest, well, let go

Just let yourself go
Cause everybody pees
And everybody poops….sometimes.

Sometimes everything is full
Now it’s time to sit alone
When your dinner’s moved along (let go, let go)
If you feel like holding on (let go)
If you think your toilet seat
Is too cold, well, let go

Everybody poops
Take comfort in the void
Everybody poops
Don’t wipe on your hand, oh no

Don’t wipe on your hand, oh no
Use paper from the roll
No, no, no, use the roll

If you’re on your own after lunch
You’ve eaten all the food
When you think you’ve had too much of this food to hang on

Well, everybody poops,
Sometimes, everybody pees
Everybody poops sometimes
Everybody poops sometimes.

So let go, let go,
Let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go
Everybody poops

I swore I’d never actually write this song. But sometimes the muse won’t let go. Dedicated to all the parents of young children out there.

Sour Grapes

Sour Grapes
(or, Reflections on George Lucas’s comments about the new Star Wars film)
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Send in the Clowns” by Stephen Sondheim

Doesn’t it suck?
Don’t you agree
This film that everyone’s praising
Wasn’t by me
Send in the clones.

Isn’t it sick?
Isn’t it sad?
Everyone loves this new Star Wars
It makes me mad.
Where are the clones?
Send in the clones

Just when I’d stopped
changing the score
Finally selling
the rights for billions more
Walking the carpet again
With my usual strut
Sure of my place
No one asks, but…

What have I wrought?
Jar Jar was panned
I thought that you’d want what I want
Sorry, my fans
But where are the clones?
Quick, send in the clones!
Don’t bother, new plans

Aren’t I rich?
Is that not enough?
Seeing that Abrams succeeded
where I failed is rough
And where are the clones?
There ought to be clones?
Well, maybe next film…

Pass The Sage

Pass the Sage
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Turn the Page” by Bob Seger

In a spacious TV studio, east of Tokyo
You can listen to the sous chefs as they scurry to and fro
And you wonder if tonight you’ll make an ice cream out of roe

And your thoughts will soon be focused on your culinary lore
When the chairman calls the challenger to step out on the floor
And you wonder if this night will be just like the nights before

Oh, here I am, stirring the wok again
There I am, watching the gauge
Here I go….racing the clock again
There I go…pass the sage

You walk into the stadium, and you stand upon the height
And you feel his eyes upon you, as he chooses you to fight
And another kitchen battle’s on; What will we cook tonight?

Sometimes you can’t hear ’em talk, other times you can
All those same old clichés: is that pudding, or a flan?
And you’re almost out of flour, but still you make it stand

Oh, here I am….Stirring the wok again
There I am, watching the gauge
Here I go….racing the clock again
There I go…pass the sage

From the moment that the grill is fired until the plates are served
All your skills and your talents are a legacy preserved
You cook to prove your iron reputation is deserved

Later, when the tastings done, and the compliments are shared
The chairman counts the ballot and the victor is declared
You know another challenge waits, and you will be prepared

Oh, here I am….Stirring the wok again
There I am, watching the gauge
Here I go….racing the clock again
There I go…there I go…

One new song debuted in my Orycon set in 2015. I actually wrote this a while ago, but decided not to post it until after I’d sung it in the wild somewhere, and that was the first time I had the chance.

Many people have written Iron Chef songs. This one is mine.

The Shining Wit

The Shining Wit
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Act Naturally” by Johnny Russell and Voni Morrison

I’m gonna get myself a girlfriend
I’m gonna go make all these women see
That I’m a man who knows how to explain things
And all I gotta say is “Well, actually…”

I promise you that I know all about it
I’m quite an expert, you can surely tell
Don’t worry your pretty head about it
‘Cause I can make it simple as well

I know you’ll nod and see that I am right, here.
And jump into my arms and softly squee
You’ll fall for me the moment that I step up
To interrupt you, saying, “Well, actually…”

Yet somehow I wind up sad and lonely
It makes me so mad; I just cannot see
I know that I did nothing to deserve this
The only thing I said was “Well, actually…”

I promise you that I know all about it
I’m quite an expert, you can surely tell
Don’t worry your pretty head about it
‘Cause I can make it simple as well

I guess that she was just another hater
But I will get a girl eventually
She will not be able to resist me
When I interrupt her saying “Well, actually…”

Many thanks to Twitter user David Ballard (@dvdbllrd) for the inspiration for this.

Inclement Weather Advisory

Inclement Weather Advisory
by Rob Wynne and Jeff Williams
TTTO: “A Kind Of Hush” by Herman’s Hermits

There’s a kind of slush
All over the road, today
All over the road you can hear the sound
Of fast-skidding cars
Watch out for that tree!

Let’s the two of us
Stay inside the house, today
I don’t want to go out and get in the way
of fast-skidding cars

Now listen very carefully
Come closer and see cars sliding into the ditch
Hey, ain’t that a bitch?
The only sound that you will hear
is when the cars begin to skid and career
Roll over and over

There’s a kind of slush
All over the road, today
All over the road you can hear the sound
Of fast-skidding cars

Fa la-la la-la la-la
Fa-la la-la la-la la-la
Fa-la-la-la-la Fa-la la-la-la
Fa la-la la-la

Now listen very carefully
Come closer and see cars sliding into the ditch
Hey, ain’t that a bitch?
The only sound that you will hear
is when the cars begin to skid and career
Roll over and over

There’s a kind of slush
All over the road, today
All over the road you can hear the sound
Of fast-skidding cars
Of fast-skidding cars
Of fast-skidding cars

A Better Plan

A Better Plan
by Rob Wynne
Music:  “Let It Go” by Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez (from Disney’s “Frozen”)

The weather outside is frightful tonight
But this fire is very nice
And there’s no place I need to be
out in the frozen ice
The wind is blowing and
The snow piles up in drifts
So let’s just stay here, wrap our Christmas gifts

We can’t go out, let’s just stay in
There’s no need to brave the howling din
Stay warm, no storm can harm us here
The answer’s clear

Let it snow, let it snow
It shows no sign of stopping
Let it snow, let it snow
I brought some corn for popping
There’s nowhere
That we need to be
Turn the lights down low
Curl up on the sofa here next to me

Every so often, an idea for a parody shows up that won’t go away, but there really isn’t enough there to justify parodying the entire song.  These are called “show stoppers” because they typically only run up to the point that you hit the punchline of the joke, and then end.

Larissa and I finally got around to seeing Disney’s “Frozen” (which is excellent, and you should watch it), and this came into my mind and wouldn’t go away, so i finally sat down and wrote it.  It’s finished; there’s only the one verse and chorus. 

Son Of A Son Of A Vor Lord

Son of a Son of a Vor Lord
by Rob Wynne
TTTO: “Son Of A Son Of A Sailor” by Jimmy Buffett

As the son of a son of a Vor lord
I went out into space for excitement
I set out to bamboozle a captain and crew
By pretending I’m some sort of pirate

As a schemer of tactics and a student of war
I make up my plans as I go
Read many accounts about soldiers and Counts
It was all that I needed to know

Son of a son, son of a son
Son of a son of a Vor Lord
Under the gun, talk on the run
My momentum carrys me forward

With a fleet of my own in a distant war zone
I crafted a brand new persona
I can shake the hand of the ImpSec man
While he pretends he doesn’t know me

And my lady was born on Station Kline
Floating out in the space lanes
Fast on her feet, runs the whole fleet
And her beauty is matched by her brains

Preparing to race through the wormholes in space
Our forefathers mapped out before us
Feel the hull thrum as the jump engines hum
And see what is waiting there for us

Wherever I go, I’ll find trouble I know
In deep space, or the Dendarii mountains
I don’t stop to reflect about what happens next
At least I didn’t end up an accountant

But a son of a son, son of a son
Son of a son of a Vor lord
Under the gun, talk on the run
My momentum carrys me forward

I’m just a son of a son, son of a son
Son of a son of a Vor lord
My honour is bound to the Emperor’s crown
And I know I will not die of boredom

I started writing this song five or six years ago, and got stuck in the middle because I wasn’t even sure at what point in the series the song was set.  I put it away and ran across the notes on it recently while tidying up some old folders, and suddenly i knew what I needed to do with it.

This is based on Lois McMaster Bujold’s Vorkoskigan Saga, and specifically is set sometime before Memory, but after Miles has had time to establish himself with the Dendarii mercenaries.  So, maybe sometime around Brothers in Arms or Borders of Infinity.

I debuted this song in my concert set at Orycon 35 in Portland, Oregon.

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