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For L…..

By

On December 19, 2001

In Blog

A Sonnet of the Moon
by Charles Best

Look how the pale queen of the silent night
Doth cause the ocean to attend upon her,
And he, as long as she is in his sight,
With her full tide is ready her to honor.

But when the silver wagon of the moon
Is mounted up so high he cannot follow,
The sea calls home his crystal waves to moan,
And with low ebb doth manifest his sorrow.

So you that are the sovereign of my heart
Have all my joys attending on your will;
My joys low-ebbing when you do depart,
When you return their tide my heart doth fill.

So as you come and as you do depart,
Joys ebb and flow within my tender heart.

Fumbling towards adulthood

By

On December 15, 2001

In Blog

There’ve been times that I felt I really haven’t ever grown up. Taken the final step into real grownupness.

I’ve had a real job (defined as a career-oriented job) for almost 6 years, and had another one for 2 years before that. But for some reason, it never quite felt like I’d really gone out and firmly established myself as an independent. I felt sometimes like a kid who was still playing at being an adult, but not really there.

Part of the whole process of separating from my 12 year relationship with Kim has been trying to find the equilibrium I’ve never quite managed to find, despite being out on my own. I was forced to grow up very fast and become responsible back when I was forced into being the sole provider for not just myself but also another person, but I also always felt like any day someone would come and tell everyone that I was faking it and take me away or something. Weird, isn’t it?

So anyway, I’m out on my own. I’m responsible for my own happiness. I’m responsible for my own financial situation. I’m pretty much responsible for me, and only me. It’s a nice feeling. I can honestly say I’ve not felt this happy and free in quite a long time.

So today, I went and bought a car.

I was surprised at how much car I could get and stay under my budget. My credit is pretty devastated, and one of the reasons I wanted to get a car loan (if possible) was to have a chance to re-establish myself and get out of this “poor credit/no-credit” hole I’d dug into for the last several years. Steve took me to Carmax, and a very nice salesman went through my financials, showed me what my payment would be on a very nice 1998 Ford Taurus with only 27k miles on it. I took it for a drive, and then we signed a lot of papers and he gave me keys and told me I could take it home. It’s mine. (Well, it’s Wells Fargo’s, but the papers say it’s mine). My payment is just under what I said I didn’t want to pay more than, and I think that I can meet the budget as long as I stay disciplined the way I’ve been for the last month and stay firmly on top of all my cash in and out. I can do this.

For the first time in my life, I have a car payment. I feel like an adult. It feels good.

Click on this.

By

On December 1, 2001

In Blog

No, really. You deserve it. Type your name in, and enjoy…

http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html

Thought for the Day…

By

On December 1, 2001

In Blog

“The effects which follow too constant and intense a concentration upon evil are always disastrous. Those who crusade, not for God in themselves, but against the devil in others, never succeed in making the world better, but leave it either as it was, or sometimes even perceptibly worse than it was, before the crusade began. By thinking primarily of evil we tend, however excellent our intentions, to create occasions for evil to manifest itself.”

Aldous Huxley
The Devils of Loudun

You are my friend…

By

On November 24, 2001

In Blog

You are my friend, and I love you.

It’s a simple thing to say. But sometimes I think the people I say it to don’t comprehend the depth of what I mean when I say it. It means that I’m always there for you, in as much capacity as I can be. It means that you are never imposing, it means that you are never taking up time I could better spend elsewhere. It means that when you are down, I want to pick you up. It means that I’m there to hold you when you feel like you’re slipping away. It means you never have to spend the night alone.

It means that I care about you, and all your ups and downs, that I will walk beside you during your trials, and be the first in line to give you a huge hug when you triumph.

It means that there’s no need to say “I’m sorry.” It means that no matter how disconnected you might feel, there is ever one person in this world who cares what’s going through your head.

I don’t always have solutions, or suggestions, or even the right words. I’m not always wise, and I’m not always thoughtful. But, when you need me, I will always be there.

Because you are my friend. And I love you.

Funny…

By

On November 24, 2001

In Blog

Got this from my friend Jill. Thanks Jill!

http://www.madblast.com/oska/humor_pong.swf

It’s over…

By

On November 11, 2001

In Blog

I finally couldn’t go on.

Thursday night, I told Kitty that I couldn’t continue with our relationship, and that I was moving out of the house. I’m currently staying with telynor for a few days, until I can get oriented. I’ll probably write more about this later, but I wanted the people who read here to know what was going on.

Roller Coasters and Ferris Wheels

By

On November 7, 2001

In Blog

I hate roller coasters.

I don’t mean in the physical amusement park ride sense, really. I don’t /love/ roller coasters the way some people do. i can take them or leave them, but they can be fun with the right people to ride along with.

I hate emotional roller coasters.

A lot of my avoidance issues come from the fact that I tend to shy away from conflict. I’d rather keep an even keel and work through things, steadily, than get involved in tempests. I’d rather talk things out than argue. And I’d much, much rather take up ground at a steady pace than have to rush around and do things in a frenzy. I like calm. I like peace. I like comfort.

I don’t like roller coasters.

Ferris wheels, on the other hand, are lovely. Yes, there’s ups and downs, but they’re steady and gentle, and if you put in a good word with the guy at the switch, he might even let you stop at the top for a while.

I want my life to be like a ferris wheel. I’d gladly slip the guy at the switch a twenty to arrange a temporary “malfunction” while I’m up at the top, with her snuggled close to me and the world laid out before us, full of possibility and light.

Instead, I’m on this roller coaster. And it keeps picking up speed.

hmmm

By

On November 4, 2001

In Blog

Man is never honestly the fatalist, nor even the stoic. He fights his
fate, often desperately. He is forever entering bold exceptions to the
rulings of the bench of gods. This fighting, no doubt, makes for human
progress, for it favors the strong and the brave. It also makes for
beauty, for lesser men try to escape from a hopeless and intolerable
world by creating a more lovely one of their own.
— H.L. Mencken

Selfishness

By

On November 4, 2001

In Blog

I am not a selfish person.

I don’t say this out of hubris. Only that it’s the center of my current dilemma.

See, I’m a person who likes to do for others. My priority list always seems to start with “What can I do to make the people around me happy?” In large part, I know that this is because doing for others is one of the things that makes ME happy. I like to make other people smile, to help them get what they want, to make someone else’s life just a small bit brighter and more worthwhile.

Most of the time when I am unhappy, it’s because I’m put into a situation where the things that *I* want and need are in direct conflict with the wants and needs of someone who is close to me. Knowing that the choices I make for my own health and happiness are going to have a negative effect on someone else gets me in a state of inner turmoil and triggers my depressive tendencies. This gets worse when the other person knows about these tendencies — I’m very easy to manipulate if you know which parts of me to tug.

I need to learn to be selfish. I need to learn to make decisions in my own benefit. I need to make those decisions and face through the consequences so that I can finally fill the hole inside of me with love and light.

I know what I need. I know what I want. I know it will not be easy to achieve, because my hardest foe to overcome is myself.

Once more, unto the breach….

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