Gwnewch y pethau bychain

Selfishness

I am not a selfish person.

I don’t say this out of hubris. Only that it’s the center of my current dilemma.

See, I’m a person who likes to do for others. My priority list always seems to start with “What can I do to make the people around me happy?” In large part, I know that this is because doing for others is one of the things that makes ME happy. I like to make other people smile, to help them get what they want, to make someone else’s life just a small bit brighter and more worthwhile.

Most of the time when I am unhappy, it’s because I’m put into a situation where the things that *I* want and need are in direct conflict with the wants and needs of someone who is close to me. Knowing that the choices I make for my own health and happiness are going to have a negative effect on someone else gets me in a state of inner turmoil and triggers my depressive tendencies. This gets worse when the other person knows about these tendencies — I’m very easy to manipulate if you know which parts of me to tug.

I need to learn to be selfish. I need to learn to make decisions in my own benefit. I need to make those decisions and face through the consequences so that I can finally fill the hole inside of me with love and light.

I know what I need. I know what I want. I know it will not be easy to achieve, because my hardest foe to overcome is myself.

Once more, unto the breach….

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6 Comments

  1. *hug*

    Another LJ person (a Callahanian, I think) was recently saying that takers tend to get attracted to givers. But givers need other givers to function best. Let the takers — the emotional vampires, the bigots, the abusers — go feed off each other. We can just give to each other.

    *hugs*

  2. Don’t worry; you have a support system that will remind you what it feels like to be happy, now that you remember for yourself. We’re all standing in a disorganized, chaotic group right behind you (because we’re not organized enough to line up), and we’ll keep reminding you how that feels.

  3. What I was going to say

    Has been said already, and better, by TigerLily and Telynor. But I just wanted to tell you that I hear you, and I’m here thinking about you.

    *big hugs*

  4. Don’t feel bad for wanting what you need. I’ve made this mistake too.

    It took watching “The Heidi Chronicles” to clarify it for me. There’s a character in there who stands up in front of the women’s support group that the main character goes to, and describes how she has a lovely family, and they all do well in school, and her husband is successful and everything is going well. And then someone else asks her “if everything is so perfect Jill, then why are you here?” And she says “I was forgetting one person. Jill.”

    *big hugs*
    LMG

  5. Thank you for sending me to this post. I very much needed to read this now.

  6. Thank you again… needed it even more this time

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