Three lesbians on a cross-country road trip were disappointed to find that the state of Iowa bore little resemblance to the Dar Williams song that they had belted as they crossed the border from Illinois.
“Where are the hills of Iowa that are supposed to make me wish I had a way with women?” demanded driver Rebecca Lally. “This place is total flatlands.”
Her passengers were also underwhelmed by the Hawkeye state. “I thought maybe once we got to Des Moines, we would start to see some sort of feminist folk song magic,” said Latonya Brewer. “Sadly, I was wrong. The indoor walkways were kind of cool, though.”
“Maybe we built it up too much in our heads,” said Lally, who reported that the friends had first begun fantasizing about Iowa after attending a Dar Williams concert at Wellesley College in the fall of 2001. “I mean, it was okay and everything, but I wouldn’t write a song about it.”
“I thought Iowa would help me find a way to say ‘I love you’ to Latonya,” confessed passenger Hillary Uxbridge. “I had it all planned out in my head. I would tell her, and then she’d say that she feared that to fall in love with me would be to fall from a great and gruesome height. And then we would make out.”
“But when we were in Cedar Rapids, Latonya went off with some chick she met at the motorcycle museum,” lamented Uxbridge. “I’d say that she was wandering out on the hills of Iowa and not thinking of me, except I still haven’t seen any hills. Things with me and Latonya are just the same as they were in Ohio. Screw it. I’m listening to Metallica for the rest of the trip.”
Concluded Lally, “Overall, Iowa’s been kind of a letdown. All I can say is, Nebraska better live up to the Springsteen song.”
Day: August 22, 2006
Every morning, I receive, via e-mail, a digest of headlines from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, detailing for me the top stories of the morning with links to the stories should I care to pursue them. This morning, one of those headlines stood out, not least because it was singled out in the subject line of the e-mail:
In a juicy excerpt by former bin Laden concubine-turned-“Days of Our Lives” soap opera scribe Kola Boof, 37, she writes that the terrorist mastermind was obsessed with the Alpharetta pop star during her tenure with him.
In her memoir, “Diary of a Lost Girl,” Boof dishes that “He [bin Laden] told me Whitney Houston was the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. He had a paramount desire for [Houston] and although he claimed music was evil, he spoke someday of spending vast amounts of money to go to America and try and arrange a meeting. In his briefcase, I would come across the Star [magazine] as well as copies of Playboy. It would soon come to the point where I was sick of hearing Whitney Houston’s name.”
If you’re anything like me, the following thoughts probably occur to you at this point, more or less in this order:
1) This is news we need to know?
2) Osama bin Laden has become part of the celebrity culture.
3) Poor bastard.
And then….like a beacon of light, it occurred to me. I know how we can find this guy, at long last. And because I am a patriotic American who loves his country, I offer this to the leaders of our military at no cost, without expectation of recognition or recompense.
The Army simply needs to form the 1st Armoured Paparazzi Division. We assemble a unit of the world’s top celebrity photographers, air drop them onto the Afghanistan/Pakistan border, and within two weeks, we’ll be getting shots of Osama going into his cave with a newspaper held up to block his face.
Go ahead. Say it’s crazy, but it just might work!