Gwnewch y pethau bychain

Day: November 4, 2001


Man is never honestly the fatalist, nor even the stoic. He fights his
fate, often desperately. He is forever entering bold exceptions to the
rulings of the bench of gods. This fighting, no doubt, makes for human
progress, for it favors the strong and the brave. It also makes for
beauty, for lesser men try to escape from a hopeless and intolerable
world by creating a more lovely one of their own.
— H.L. Mencken


I am not a selfish person.

I don’t say this out of hubris. Only that it’s the center of my current dilemma.

See, I’m a person who likes to do for others. My priority list always seems to start with “What can I do to make the people around me happy?” In large part, I know that this is because doing for others is one of the things that makes ME happy. I like to make other people smile, to help them get what they want, to make someone else’s life just a small bit brighter and more worthwhile.

Most of the time when I am unhappy, it’s because I’m put into a situation where the things that *I* want and need are in direct conflict with the wants and needs of someone who is close to me. Knowing that the choices I make for my own health and happiness are going to have a negative effect on someone else gets me in a state of inner turmoil and triggers my depressive tendencies. This gets worse when the other person knows about these tendencies — I’m very easy to manipulate if you know which parts of me to tug.

I need to learn to be selfish. I need to learn to make decisions in my own benefit. I need to make those decisions and face through the consequences so that I can finally fill the hole inside of me with love and light.

I know what I need. I know what I want. I know it will not be easy to achieve, because my hardest foe to overcome is myself.

Once more, unto the breach….

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén